I have one question :

How do u always keep yourself happy? As in like you make yourself happy but not someone makes u happy.

*.* i want to know the secret if possible :P

O.o

*peeks*

>_>
<_<

pokes jo

*runs*

^^

Emotional release

I dunno why i feel released.
By right, i should be sad.
Sad, to let go.
But no,
i feel free?

One Question

I did something that i normally wont do =)
I volunteer to present in a tutorial.
Is that consider an small achievement? Teehee =)

Random

Omg, i actually spelled random as Ramdon =.=

***
Hmm...does it makes u wonder erm how u could write long posts in just 5 mins but take the whole day to do one essay, that is one page if you're lucky of course, but sometimes ( most of the times for me) it takes two days just to finish one paragraphy in which in those situation, i normally get distracted by a couple of thingys ^^

I guess i need my life back too. I've been living in a self created fantasy for too long till i cant differentiate real life and in game. I cant help it really, in games sounds more comfy as in you have the freedom to be who you want, or you would like to be with, of course surprisingly in games have dramas too!

If the dramas is compared to the real life drama, i bet anyone would prefer to stay in game probably. I have to admit that I'm so into it till I've living in it for a the past few months really where all my energy are focus in it where my current life is practically abandon. I apologize to my friends and classmates where i in fact has neglected them.

I'm sorry, i will start anew now but rather slowly. I just need some time to heal and move on.

Let's see what i wish to do, maybe look up the night sky once in a while, hanging out in mph stores, have some sushi, travel, probably try some other stuff where i didnt dare to try before.

Before that, let me work hard to get out of this.

According to Miss Kang, no one can tell u that you cant. Not even yourself.

Complicated

I think i'm in a complicated situation, oh wait, it isnt that complicated, i'm just being complicated. I knew the truth and facts that lies before me. I knew what i must do, i knew i shouldnt waste time, i knew i should focuses more on other stuff but i still couldnt let go.

Hmmm how should i put this? i'm trying to move on but at the same time i'm living in the past. Complicated situation? or Not?

Maybe it's not as hard as it seems. Maybe it is hard since i have trouble letting go. I'm still upset and miss her definitely. Sigh i just hope she listens to me even just one last time.

Loving myself

i think i had often or perhaps most of the time interpreted that phrase wrongly. I thought loving myself meant that allocating more time to do the things that i want, thinking of myself, not caring about others.

Perhaps those things does naturally contribute to the elements of loving self but that is not the roots of the subject. That i think will be refer to pampering or spoiling yourself but not loving.

I think i finally understood what that terms means, after 2 decades being alive. Loving yourself literally mean, accepting who you are and working constantly of developing yourself. The biggest challenge i think is to accept that you're a nobody. It's cruel but it's a must. I'm not sure if that's the correct way to begin with, but you wouldn't know if it's right or wrong till you actually takes a step.

Rules for writing this blog

Okay, this is completely random but i find that it is a need and a must to do, soooooooooo here goes :

1. be honest ( if u didnt slap yourself 15 times)
2. be hardworking in posting ( okay i should put that in my to-do-list)
3. value yourself ( hard to do but must try)

Love lives even after one dies

Recently, i have experience a heart breaking occasion where a family member just passed away. ( i would prefer to use move on but somehow that word brings a whole different meaning for that situation lolololololol!)

Remember my post saying i'm a pessimist? Yeah perhaps i should added that I'm a introvert and anti social. Basically i wouldnt know if the world comes to an end if someone tells me. Or i will get to know the news later on when we all meet in heaven. Yeah i'm should by right be a tortoise or turtle since i hide in my shell most of the times hahahaha.

It would seems fun but that will made me regret due to something i should do but didnt.

It dawn of me, that i did not know her pretty well. It also made me realise that i did not know or remember her personally, even if we're in family. Everything i knew was stories from others that continues to add on on my guilt.

I always say it's a blessing to be able to love.

But i did not truly experience the real connection of that word till i stand at her bedside, accompany by all family members, feeling her breathing goes slow and seeing her life slowly slipped away. I did not truly experience it till close family members saying their last words to her. I did not trutly experience till they touched her face and giving her gentle kisses. I did not truly experience it till someone said, "sleep well."

It'll make me think someday, someone close to me or maybe even me will experience that kind of departure.

It'll make me think that did i try my best to fulfill my role in the family? It'll make me think, i've not been doing things that i should do from the start. It'll make me think, that it is a regret that i did not love her fully and have accepted hers fully. It'll make me think that if i dont appreciate things now, the regret will doubled. Definitely.

I am not a spiritual person, perhaps i should say, i havent completely surrender myself to spiritual beliefs, but suprisingly and funnily, i dont know if i'm thinking too much or i'm too sensitive, i got a feeling that she's still here. And that she left behind a love that will continuously to love, even after death.

Improving

You know, i'm always saying that i have to change myself. But the truth is that is not the correct way to phrase it. It should be said as improving myself than changing. Changing means literally changing the core of your nature which in cruel terms, forgetting who you are and becoming someone that you are not.

I am a very pessimist person to be honest (oh thanks for falling under cancerian signs). I think badly of myself, i have literally have temperamental confidence, meaning it goes on and off unexpectedly and the most injustice thing that i have done to myself is, i do not value my self or who i am.

I will have the tendency to degrade myself ( told you that i'm a pessimist) in the worse way possible. Especially in presentations or in assignments, i will purposely or rather slyly choose the easiest part to do. Due to stage fright it's better that i do it easy and end it fast. I'll get over my fears fast and that's it.

I was wrong. Or perhaps i should say, i'm doing injustice to the rest of the people. All the work could possibly goes down the drain, if i just present my work simply. It's not just a sign of disrespect to other people, but also disrespect to myself, who has been too putting effort in that work.

Imagine, or visualise a image where you're the leader, you've been putting in effort in this for so long, setting aside hobbies that you like, reducing personal time for this piece of ark only to realise that someone else has destroy it for you, how would you normally feel?

The work itself is an art. It is made of or created by the efforts of a united team. Therefore if one falls the rest will be implicated. Well that's how a team is suppose to be right?

I think i know the answer, which is why the guilt stays in mean, which is why that becomes the motivation in pushing me forward, in improving myself.

It'll take some time before i can fully grasp it and applied it though, after all human beings does prefer to confine in their safe little heaven. But overcoming challenges and trying new things is a good thing too, dont you think so?

Waking up from a dream

You know when i was little, i used to dream of growing up, getting out of school, being a adult.
I used to have fun all day, even during the exams, i would definitely play first before studying.
Well, studying was never concluded in my daily routine, i don't know if i knew the meaning of that word. To me doing things that i like is the key ingredient in my life. Nothing else matters.

And when i was little, i used to be the favourite of my mother, i would go to her, hug and cling to her. I remembered how she used to work hard to get what i want. Or i remember getting her to spend RM100 on things that i dont need but want.

I remember my sisters bringing me to watch Disney movie, The Lion King and also how my 2nd sister used to wait for me to finish school when i was about 7 years old.

I remembered all those happy times, when i have all the freedoms of being myself and where responsibilities and other people doesnt matter.

And with great pity, i can say that i have entirely sway from being who i am from the beginning.